Thoughts over Time

Fall is coming to a close.

Thanksgiving is past; November is ending.

My reflection flows,

Over a year gone so fast, yet I remember the beginning.

A round belly with a baby on the way,

In wondrous anticipation I yearned for his arrival,

How dreary and slow felt many a day,

And then sunshine burst and along came April.

My child along with indescribable joy were born,

My thoughts were full of thankfulness and contentment,

Yet time slips by, and stress sometimes my heart adorned.

My thoughts cycling through worry and joy over learning a new element. 

As the months passed, exhaustion dimmed my patience.

Like a stagnant lake my heart often became frozen,

 For I did some things well but also was deficient;

My mind frequently dwelling on my failure, forgetting Your provision. 

My trust in you, Lord, daily gets encapsulated in fear,

Yet Your blessings remain steadfast,

Even in my forlorn ruminating You remain near.

Forgive my compulsive negative thinking; may it not last. 

For Your gifts far outweigh daily tasks,

Help me remember your faithfulness when I feel overwhelmed.

For a  year's blessings strip off the troublesome mask

That hides the fact that You, Lord, are always at the helm. 

Fall may be ceasing with winter's approach,

The plants may be withering, trees ready to hibernate.

But may my faith in You not just broach, 

A deeper trust and way to relate,

But remain ever growing,

Not taking two steps forward, one step back,

Not growing cold, filled with re-learning

The same lessons every new season.  Instead keep me on track;

That I may be a better wife and mother,

No longer self-discipline and balance a struggle,

But transfixed on You, praising my Father,

With every new curve, every new juggle. 

May I bounce my boy on my knee,

Cook dinner on the stove and pay the bills,

Remembering Your lead

As the sun graces the windowsills.

A year will soon conclude,

So much has changed; all the better,

Through all of my changing moods,

May Your plan for my life remain unhindered, unfettered. 

December about to commence,

A crawling boy and loving husband by my side,

Two wondrous friends, blessings immense,

A near year dawning, with Your help I will be ready for the ride.

Forever Dreaming Writing: About the Name and Author

As most of my writing deals with issues, beliefs, or lessons close to my heart (even when presented fictionally through my imaginary friends and main characters), I thought the name for this blog should hold a tender meaning as well.

Forever Dreaming kind of sounds like a silly catchphrase or school slogan, but for me, it is a reminder to not give up; to keep pressing on with the goals that seem most impossible. 

I have strong first born tendencies; mingled with acute compunction whenever my comparison falls short of perfection.  In 2013, after graduating high school, I struggled to keep dreaming after failure.

In some respects, my growing up and relishing in a happy childhood allowed my outlook to flavor from a kernel of naivety into a full kettle of ignorance.  I did not understand how much of the world operates.

Christ reigned in my heart at an early age, and I was blessed with a loving and supportive family.  My pride has always disliked how people say that your faith isn't necessarily going to stick around until you are a young adult: when you decide if it's yours or your parents'.  As a stubborn kid who fully believed in Jesus, I knew mine was going to stick.  

However, right out of high school I smacked into one of those trials that only Jesus can save you from, and I didn't want to let Him save me.  I had my own ideas, fictitious ideas really, of what my life would be like and how it was going to get there.

That's when reality shattered my dream.  That's when someone else's lies filled my own head until I started to share them myself. It took awhile, but after friends and family provided what was then the brutal honesty I needed, I said goodbye to the who and the what of my pain.  I thought I had lost my whole future.  Having messed up worse than ever before, I thought I did not deserve to move forward, and so I plummeted for awhile.  But truth has a way of washing out deception. 

Sometimes it's rough like a kitchen scratch pad on a smoldered pan, and it hurts and takes work to scrub off all the dirt, but eventually that scratch pad changes into a wash cloth.  And that same loving hand who began with a scratch pad can use the cloth to gently massage roughened edges; smooth out both the deeper and surface areas of the pan until it shines once again.  

Little by little, I moved past my mistake. I chose to follow after God, and am learning in order to do that I need to grip the reigns a little less tightly, and trust in the plan He has for me.

After renewing my decision to follow after Jesus, peace entered my heart; but I struggled to believe that I would ever have the future I wanted.  I battled with this every day.  That's when God started teaching me about a little four letter word with life changing capabilities: hope (Hebrews 6:17-20), and how His forgiveness can shape our hope:

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, 

slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. 

He will not always chide, 

nor will he keep his anger forever.

He does not deal with us according to our sins,

nor repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west, 

so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

As a father shows compassion to his children,

so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him."

Psalm 103:8-13 

(ESV)

Those verses, along with many others, became my comfort.  As a child I had always loved Jeremiah 29:11, but the verses immediately following began to hold greater weight. (Read here)   A mere two weeks transpired, and God showed me that when you seek Him first, His promise that He'll provide for you (Matthew 6: 30-33) does come through; though I believe it is often not in the way we or the people around us expect.

I met my now husband, Ethan, and, despite how cliché this sounds, he is more than I could have ever imagined.  Our life together has flourished, and I am now a mother to a precious baby boy.  I feel so blessed to parent him alongside my best friend.  Planted by streams of water (Psalm 1), my life with Ethan has had the ability to deepen and take root in ways I could have never dreamed.

More than anything, I have learned and am still learning that when I am at my lowest, God is always at His best.  I can trust Him to turn my ashes, my broken repentance, into something beautiful.  I can keep on dreaming.  And I'll do my best to remind myself that I can grasp hold of my dreams more firmly when I leave them in His hands.  I can aspire to be a Proverbs 31 wife and mom, a faithful friend and listener, a freelance or contracted writer. . . I can let go of my ideas of perfection, and trust in His attainable peace.  I can trust God with all of my story, and maybe, just maybe, the other stories and dreams written on my heart and scribbling away in my spaghetti brain can help someone else.  Help someone else remember that when they are at their lowest, God is still there and He still cares.  

No matter what our past or present struggles are, our future always has worth in God's eyes.

So if I can trust God with my eternity, my forever, then I can trust Him with my earthly aspirations, my failures, and everything in the middle.

Job 42: 1-6

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

"Then Job answered the Lord and said:

 2 'I know that you can do all things, 

and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

3 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'

Therefore I have uttered what I do not understand,

things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.

4 'Hear and I will speak;

I will question you, and you make it known to me.'

5 I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, 

but now my eyes see you;

therefore I despise myself,

and repent in dust and ashes."

Proverbs 16:1-3 (NASB)

"The plans of the heart belong to man,

but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.

2 All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes,

but the Lord weighs the spirit.

3 Commit your work to the Lord,
And your plans will be established."


Please join with me in forever keeping our dreams alive.  

Thank you for reading!