This is a guest piece written by my husband, Ethan Weidner. Not that this post needs an endorsement, but for those wondering, I completely agree with everything he wrote and am very excited to share it with you all. Enjoy!
I have decided to catalog some of the realizations I have made about being a husband. Some of these I saw through my own father, and some I have learned through analyzing my wife, myself, and our marriage.
Understand the Difference in how you Both are Wired
-Understand the difference in
how you both think. Both men and women need to be accepted. but the questions
asked are different. A woman may wake up in the morning and ask herself
"Does he still love me the way I am today?". Whereas, a man will ask
himself "Am I good enough?". Understanding this will change the way
you think about the questions asked by your spouse and the answers that need to
be given.
Never put Your Wife down to Others
-One of the best lessons I ever received from my father sunk deep
into my thinking early on. Men who complain or insult their wives to others
look like fools. This is the second most important decision of your life and you're
broadcasting why you made a bad choice. This will also hurt her very deeply if
any of it gets back to her. Which it inevitably will.
Putting Anger into Perspective
-Is it worth it to be mad
about an accident? Try to put things into perspective before you get angry. Is
dinner burnt? Well, that's about $7 of ingredients and another hour till you
eat. Is that worth raising your voice to someone who feels bad enough already? Watch the sigh of relief when you say it's no big deal and move on.
Raising your Voice
-You may not realize how frightening it is to a woman when
you raise your voice. We see it in movies or from fathers and it seems to be
the next step in any disagreement. It is not. No difference of opinion has ever
been swayed because words were said louder. Your wife should never feel fear
when with you. You are her comfort and she is yours.
Stopping the Fight before it Starts
-Here is a wise teaching from my
uncle Dana. If you think something will lead to a fight or disagreement, sit
close to them, hold their hand, and just talk. It is very hard and uncomfortable
to raise your voice and escalate an argument while in physical contact with
someone you love.
Love (Noun, Verb)
-Now onto Love. There are two distinct versions of love.
There is the noun and the verb. There is to be "In Love" and the act
"Of Love". You can have one without the other but the act is far more
important. To be "In Love" is infatuation. It's emotional and
powerful. The ever moment of every day thinking of them Love. Then there is the
Choice to Love. The choice to listen, cherish, and praise. The act of Love
increases itself. The feeling of love can fade. Make the choice every day to
love your wife.
Let Yourself be Vulnerable
-What it means to be vulnerable. As men being vulnerable or
weak is almost always seen in a negative connotation. Shutting out your wife to
your weaknesses is not strength. It is a lack of faith. A lack of trust in the
woman you love and she feels it. Think back to when I said that women ask
themselves "Does he love me? Does he trust me?". Every time you shut
her out you are answering that question. When you don't let her see your
weakness you are hurting her and hurting yourself. Your question is "Am I
good enough?" and you are never giving her the chance to tell you that you
are.
Marriage is (Not) 50/50
-A marriage is not 50/50. You will hear a lot that a marriage is 50/50. Fifty percent your effort and 50% her effort. A marriage that is healthy is always 100% When
everything in life is going well your marriage will look fairly close to 50/50
most days. However, you will be beaten down by life at times; whether it is work
or stress there are times that all you have is 15% to give. She will have to be
the other 85%. It will also go the other way some days and the numbers will be
reversed. You each make up the difference in your marriage. Think about it in
terms of lungs. Your body needs 100% to be fully functional. If one of the
lungs is strained and can't keep up the other works harder. If one of the lungs
is strained but the other keeps the same amount of effort your body will start
to shut down.
"I love you"
Words so profound that are often said with little thought. It can become a reflex (and that isn't necessarily a bad thing). The Love you have for each other becomes as regular as the sunrise. And like a sunrise there are different ways to acknowledge it every day. Most days you see it when you drive to work and don't even process it. But other days you stop. You fully appreciate the Majesty of a sunrise. Take the time every once in a while to say "I Love You" with the same awe that a perfect sunrise brings.
