When God isn't Enough of a Reason

Honestly, I am sitting here feeling worn out and stretched thin.  I am exhausted, and have little motivation to write this piece, and a lot of readily available procrastination that says to just skip it for now.  As it is currently 10:05 pm CET, I would rather be buried under covers going to sleep- which is why I have compromised with myself by typing this in bed while wearing my fuzzy penguin pajamas.

I would rather be browsing Facebook, or snuggling my 9 month old son who received his 6 month shots at his well visit earlier today because of my poor planning and paper work skills.  I would rather be doing so many other things than pushing through and writing this difficult piece.  And, ironically, this mood of pushing it off, doing it later, procrastinating, and finding excuses is the exact mindset I am about to discuss and share.

I found myself in a familiar thought pattern the other day.  I had just done something I shouldn't have. I had lost my temper when a project wasn't working the way I had planned, and had responded with getting snippy at my dog, snappy at my baby, with a few loud swear words directed at the project thrown in the mix.  Not my finest moment.  After my tantrum was over and I realized I had not even been in the right mindset to have begun this project (timing really is everything), I thought about how I didn't want to model this attitude for my son.

I do not want him to grow up thinking swear words are OK, or that throwing a tantrum when something is frustrating is an appropriate response.  All of this reminded me I need to change my reactions in order to be a better mom, even if the reaction doesn't directly correlate to my son.

That's when I realized I have thought like this my whole life. It has always been easier for me to address a flaw within myself if doing so helped another person.

I remember being in high school and thinking about what the future might hold- what I hoped it would hold.  I remember thinking my Junior year that part of the reason I wanted to grow closer with Jesus is so that I could be a godly wife someday.  I had been reading through the New Testament and journaling, and I was so proud of my godly potential as a spouse.  (Pretty vain, right?)  And while I was genuinely learning and growing closer with God for myself and Him, I was also doing it for someone else, or rather, something else.  I was doing it for the idea of a future husband.  I yearned to grow closer and be more mature in my faith so that I could be what I considered to be a good helpmate someday.

And once I was married, I continued to yearn to grow in certain areas largely for the benefit of my husband.  Changing myself is always easier if I am doing it for someone I love.

The relationships I have with my family are invaluably important to me.  The bonds I share with my husband and son are everything to me.  They propel me forward and give my days purpose.  They are the reason behind so much of what I do.  But it hit me the other day that if the biggest reason I am willing to confront and change something ugly about myself is for the benefit of my family and the growth of our relationships. . . Then my relationship with my Savior really isn't what it should be.

If God isn't reason enough for me to want to deepen my relationship with Him, then I have put other things before Him.  If His love and forgiveness doesn't propel me to change and grow, then I have undervalued the most important relationship in my life.

I should strive to love Jesus more and spend more time with Him because of the love He has for me. The self-control I continually feel to be lacking should be something I am working on because of my relationship with my Savior- not only because of my son.  

Sadly, not only have I developed this mindset of trying to mature or grow for the sake of people in my life, I have also developed a pretty strong tendency to procrastinate in facing those uglier areas by pushing them off until I have those relationships and people in my life.  I waited to work on certain things until I was a wife, or until I was a mom.

I am realizing more and more that the mindset of fixing myself for other people and other relationships is the root of why I am still struggling with some of the same things I am today as I was five years ago.  I have procrastinated with some of my more ingrained tendencies by saying that I would stop doing those things when I was a wife, or when I was mom, or at some later point in my life.

Unfortunately, this cycle of thinking and living is hard to break.  And the truth is, the sins I don't want to model for my son can only be overcome if I leave them at the foot of the cross.  The growth I want in my relationships with my family can only happen after my relationship with Jesus is central.

The grace I want to live with doesn't come in my own strength; it rests in God's.

The gifts I love and treasure in my life can only flourish if my eye is fixed on the Giver.

Procrastinating instead of facing a present issue, and changing something merely for relationships with other people allow for circular development.  I only improve so much before I am back to where I started.

So, all this time when God hasn't been reason enough, the truth is, He is the only one who will ever be reason enough. 

And if the realness of the people in my life help propel me forward, then I need to pray for my relationship with God to become more real.  I need to pray that He will change my heart.  I need to pray that he will change my attitude.  I need to beg that He will correct my thinking.  Because even though my head knows that His word says that He is more than enough, sometimes my heart is slow to accept it.

Lord, 

When I am worn out and stretched thin, Remind me who You are.  

Please wake me up inside. Please shift my thinking.  

Please forgive my sins and remove my idols.  

Thank you, Lord.  I love you.

Amen. 

"Ascribe to the Lord, O heavenly beings, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.  Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness."  Psalm 29:1-2

To All Those Who Have Shared My Broken Promise

I remember being in middle school, and struggling with a transition of friends.  It wasn’t that my close friends and I had shared a falling out; it was simply that my family had started attending a different church, and I no longer saw the same people as regularly.  Those sweet girls I had confided in, shared giggles with late into the night, and crowded on couches with during youth group were still dear in my heart, but living in different cities, albeit adjacent ones, was the beginning distance that grew into separate lives. 

My mom had told me previously that often times different things last only a season, and that sometimes friendships are that way as well. It’s not that you love the person less, or that you don’t think of them often; it’s that life is winding and recursive, and as it is written out sometimes intersecting paths straighten out in different directions, and sometimes they meet back up again later.  

The first time she told me that friends can last only a season I was crushed.  I was heartbroken.  I stubbornly refused to believe that I would grow up and not still be friends with those I had grown close to and loved.  I thought it would be possible for us all to keep in touch and plan hangouts.  We didn’t.

Then I joined a volleyball team and gained a new group of friends.  And those friends introduced me to their friends until the chasm I thought would be permanent was filled over abundantly.  High school started and still more shifts occurred. Next came the big changes like graduation and college, boyfriends, more time spent working and studying, and as my friends and I pursued our individual interests, my buoyant graph of close, interactive friends dipped a little lower.  On the flip-side, those that remained grew even closer.

A year and a half after graduation, I was married.  Tied the knot to my newest and closest friend.  While everyone wondered at the rapidity, my husband and I marched forward confidently hand in hand.  And just when my close-knit family and friends thought the biggest change had been signed, work contracted my husband and me across the world to live in Europe.

While my husband and I would share an adventure together, we would be saying goodbye to so many other people.  What I once considered a major transition in my childhood world was about to double, triple, quadruple -a thousand times in a new way.  The distance between me and my parents, sister, cousins, bridesmaids, friends, would be continental and ocean deep.  I would not be facing merely the distance of a different city, but of a different country.

And as I saw my friends and family one last time before the flight, as I said goodbyes not knowing when or if I would see them again before I left, my old stubbornness resurfaced.   I told them I would write.  We would plan Skype dates.  I would send emails.  We would remain as close as before.  I promised to keep in touch.  I promised that though the change seemed daunting, these friendships that had already lasted five or six years would continue to grow and flourish despite this newest transition.

While our correspondence was decent at the beginning, another year and half has passed.  My husband and I have been married for two years now and are currently raising a nine month old.  Life has continued to twist and change, to blossom and flourish in different directions.  My friends are taking internships, graduating college, planning mission’s trips, studying abroad, getting engaged, and marrying.  New friends are having babies, raising eight-year-old's, and running day cares.  I am chasing a dog and wrestling and independent first born.  And it’s hitting me.

I’m finally realizing there is a reason correspondence is a fourteen letter word.  It is a lengthy task and weighty responsibility.  It sounds easy in a promise and proves difficult in action.  It’s a door that swings both ways but can be heavy to push.  Far too often, it becomes a torn page in a once cherished book.  Aspects of the friendship begin missing, but the spine- those memories creased in our hearts- tenaciously hold parts together.  Sometimes, a friendship that I thought would go on in volumes is only turning out to be a short story, and that’s OK. 

Spring, summer, fall, and winter all serve a purpose of renewal and growth for the earth.  I think that though it saddens us, we need to remember that friendships that last only a season still have meaning and value.  Keeping in touch is not a strength of mine.  Attempting to stay in the loop with everyone is an impossible task that allows for no progression with where we are at now.  We all have new priorities, goals, responsibilities, and relationships.  For me, my husband and son will always take precedence.

So for those of you who are missing more than one page. . .  I am sorry my promise grew empty.  I am sorry it seems or feels as if our friendship was only a season, but I am thankful for the impact you have had on my life.  I am blessed with the memories we did get to make.  I am ready and willing to plan the occasional Skype date, to write a quick message, or plan a lengthy chat.  But I am not going to promise consistency.  I am not going to promise that we will remain as close as if we lived next door to each other.  What I will say is that my heart will always have a place for you.  Perhaps someday this season too will be over, and our paths will intersect once more.