Honestly, I am sitting here feeling worn out and stretched thin. I am exhausted, and have little motivation to write this piece, and a lot of readily available procrastination that says to just skip it for now. As it is currently 10:05 pm CET, I would rather be buried under covers going to sleep- which is why I have compromised with myself by typing this in bed while wearing my fuzzy penguin pajamas.
I would rather be browsing Facebook, or snuggling my 9 month old son who received his 6 month shots at his well visit earlier today because of my poor planning and paper work skills. I would rather be doing so many other things than pushing through and writing this difficult piece. And, ironically, this mood of pushing it off, doing it later, procrastinating, and finding excuses is the exact mindset I am about to discuss and share.
I found myself in a familiar thought pattern the other day. I had just done something I shouldn't have. I had lost my temper when a project wasn't working the way I had planned, and had responded with getting snippy at my dog, snappy at my baby, with a few loud swear words directed at the project thrown in the mix. Not my finest moment. After my tantrum was over and I realized I had not even been in the right mindset to have begun this project (timing really is everything), I thought about how I didn't want to model this attitude for my son.
I do not want him to grow up thinking swear words are OK, or that throwing a tantrum when something is frustrating is an appropriate response. All of this reminded me I need to change my reactions in order to be a better mom, even if the reaction doesn't directly correlate to my son.
That's when I realized I have thought like this my whole life. It has always been easier for me to address a flaw within myself if doing so helped another person.
I remember being in high school and thinking about what the future might hold- what I hoped it would hold. I remember thinking my Junior year that part of the reason I wanted to grow closer with Jesus is so that I could be a godly wife someday. I had been reading through the New Testament and journaling, and I was so proud of my godly potential as a spouse. (Pretty vain, right?) And while I was genuinely learning and growing closer with God for myself and Him, I was also doing it for someone else, or rather, something else. I was doing it for the idea of a future husband. I yearned to grow closer and be more mature in my faith so that I could be what I considered to be a good helpmate someday.
And once I was married, I continued to yearn to grow in certain areas largely for the benefit of my husband. Changing myself is always easier if I am doing it for someone I love.
The relationships I have with my family are invaluably important to me. The bonds I share with my husband and son are everything to me. They propel me forward and give my days purpose. They are the reason behind so much of what I do. But it hit me the other day that if the biggest reason I am willing to confront and change something ugly about myself is for the benefit of my family and the growth of our relationships. . . Then my relationship with my Savior really isn't what it should be.
If God isn't reason enough for me to want to deepen my relationship with Him, then I have put other things before Him. If His love and forgiveness doesn't propel me to change and grow, then I have undervalued the most important relationship in my life.
I should strive to love Jesus more and spend more time with Him because of the love He has for me. The self-control I continually feel to be lacking should be something I am working on because of my relationship with my Savior- not only because of my son.
Sadly, not only have I developed this mindset of trying to mature or grow for the sake of people in my life, I have also developed a pretty strong tendency to procrastinate in facing those uglier areas by pushing them off until I have those relationships and people in my life. I waited to work on certain things until I was a wife, or until I was a mom.
I am realizing more and more that the mindset of fixing myself for other people and other relationships is the root of why I am still struggling with some of the same things I am today as I was five years ago. I have procrastinated with some of my more ingrained tendencies by saying that I would stop doing those things when I was a wife, or when I was mom, or at some later point in my life.
Unfortunately, this cycle of thinking and living is hard to break. And the truth is, the sins I don't want to model for my son can only be overcome if I leave them at the foot of the cross. The growth I want in my relationships with my family can only happen after my relationship with Jesus is central.
The grace I want to live with doesn't come in my own strength; it rests in God's.
The gifts I love and treasure in my life can only flourish if my eye is fixed on the Giver.
Procrastinating instead of facing a present issue, and changing something merely for relationships with other people allow for circular development. I only improve so much before I am back to where I started.
So, all this time when God hasn't been reason enough, the truth is, He is the only one who will ever be reason enough.
And if the realness of the people in my life help propel me forward, then I need to pray for my relationship with God to become more real. I need to pray that He will change my heart. I need to pray that he will change my attitude. I need to beg that He will correct my thinking. Because even though my head knows that His word says that He is more than enough, sometimes my heart is slow to accept it.
Lord,
When I am worn out and stretched thin, Remind me who You are.
Please wake me up inside. Please shift my thinking.
Please forgive my sins and remove my idols.
Thank you, Lord. I love you.
Amen.
"Ascribe to the Lord, O heavenly beings, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength. Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness." Psalm 29:1-2
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