The Power of a Wise Husband

This is a guest piece written by my husband, Ethan Weidner.  Not that this post needs an endorsement, but for those wondering, I completely agree with everything he wrote and am very excited to share it with you all.  Enjoy!

I have decided to catalog some of the realizations I have made about being a husband.  Some of these I saw through my own father, and some I have learned through analyzing my wife, myself, and our marriage.

Understand the Difference in how you Both are Wired

-Understand the difference in how you both think. Both men and women need to be accepted. but the questions asked are different. A woman may wake up in the morning and ask herself "Does he still love me the way I am today?". Whereas, a man will ask himself "Am I good enough?". Understanding this will change the way you think about the questions asked by your spouse and the answers that need to be given.

Never put Your Wife down to Others

-One of the best lessons I ever received from my father sunk deep into my thinking early on. Men who complain or insult their wives to others look like fools. This is the second most important decision of your life and you're broadcasting why you made a bad choice. This will also hurt her very deeply if any of it gets back to her. Which it inevitably will.

Putting Anger into Perspective

-Is it worth it to be mad about an accident? Try to put things into perspective before you get angry. Is dinner burnt? Well, that's about $7 of ingredients and another hour till you eat. Is that worth raising your voice to someone who feels bad enough already? Watch the sigh of relief when you say it's no big deal and move on.

Raising your Voice

-You may not realize how frightening it is to a woman when you raise your voice. We see it in movies or from fathers and it seems to be the next step in any disagreement. It is not. No difference of opinion has ever been swayed because words were said louder. Your wife should never feel fear when with you. You are her comfort and she is yours.

Stopping the Fight before it Starts

-Here is a wise teaching from my uncle Dana. If you think something will lead to a fight or disagreement, sit close to them, hold their hand, and just talk. It is very hard and uncomfortable to raise your voice and escalate an argument while in physical contact with someone you love.

Love (Noun, Verb)

-Now onto Love. There are two distinct versions of love. There is the noun and the verb. There is to be "In Love" and the act "Of Love". You can have one without the other but the act is far more important. To be "In Love" is infatuation.  It's emotional and powerful. The ever moment of every day thinking of them Love. Then there is the Choice to Love. The choice to listen, cherish, and praise. The act of Love increases itself. The feeling of love can fade. Make the choice every day to love your wife.

Let Yourself be Vulnerable

-What it means to be vulnerable. As men being vulnerable or weak is almost always seen in a negative connotation. Shutting out your wife to your weaknesses is not strength. It is a lack of faith. A lack of trust in the woman you love and she feels it. Think back to when I said that women ask themselves "Does he love me? Does he trust me?". Every time you shut her out you are answering that question. When you don't let her see your weakness you are hurting her and hurting yourself. Your question is "Am I good enough?" and you are never giving her the chance to tell you that you are.

Marriage is (Not) 50/50

 -A marriage is not 50/50. You will hear a lot that a marriage is 50/50. Fifty percent your effort and 50% her effort. A marriage that is healthy is always 100% When everything in life is going well your marriage will look fairly close to 50/50 most days. However, you will be beaten down by life at times; whether it is work or stress there are times that all you have is 15% to give. She will have to be the other 85%. It will also go the other way some days and the numbers will be reversed. You each make up the difference in your marriage. Think about it in terms of lungs. Your body needs 100% to be fully functional. If one of the lungs is strained and can't keep up the other works harder. If one of the lungs is strained but the other keeps the same amount of effort your body will start to shut down.

"I love you"

Words so profound that are often said with little thought. It can become a reflex (and that isn't necessarily a bad thing). The Love you have for each other becomes as regular as the sunrise. And like a sunrise there are different ways to acknowledge it every day. Most days you see it when you drive to work and don't even process it. But other days you stop. You fully appreciate the Majesty of a sunrise. Take the time every once in a while to say "I Love You" with the same awe that a perfect sunrise brings.

Creating Days to be Missed in our Homes

I miss the days of simplicity and childhood play.  I miss the days where my greatest concern was how mine and my sister’s ginormous Barbie house would sprawl out, and who would be the lucky one to get the “cute” guy Barbie (we pretty much never named him Ken).  I miss the days where the little mommies growing in our hearts would pick out our children, and plan out grand mischievous adventures with Barbie toddlers and babies.

 I miss the days of my youth; where I would spend afternoons reading Apologia Biology while snuggling my cat on the couch in my pajamas.  (Perks of being home-schooled.)  I miss late nights chatting with my mom, and waking up late and grumpy until we got that first swig of coffee.  I miss my father’s proud cheers urging me on as I stood to serve in a varsity volleyball tournament, and the endless hours he spent sweating in the front lawn helping me hone my skills.

And though I do not miss the heartache and feeling of my world fragmenting like shredded paper, I will never forget the days of discovery.  The days where my sister displayed some of the greatest tenderness I have ever known; always up for the task of making me laugh, or escaping reality for a loud off-key mockery of popular music in the car as we drove for coffee, food, and Target.  I’ll always treasure the days I learned how beautiful and loving her heart really is.

I'll always treasure those first days when my husband and I had just met.  All of those long walks around the neighborhood, cliché sappy good morning texts, and my periodic nervous giggling when he asked questions about the future.  I miss the first time we held hands as we explored Fox Island nature park, the first time he cooked me dinner, the first time we said, “I love you,” with quiet voices and tender conviction.

I miss the days when our lives truly began together.  When our marriage settled in and we started arranging furniture and creating our home.  I'll miss those awkward firsts of living in a foreign country, and trying to say hello and goodbye informally in German.  Days filled with, “What do you want for dinner?” and “I asked you first.”  I’ll always smile thinking of time spent memorizing Ethan’s rock-paper-scissors pattern so that I would win and he’d have to take the dog out.  (I don’t miss when he quit playing though. . .)

And then the day before my birthday when we found out we were expecting our first child.  I’ll always cherish the first moment I felt him kick, the look on my husband’s face as coached me through labor, and the teary eyed journey into motherhood as I gazed at my son for the first time.

Now that Aiden is ten months old and crawling everywhere, pulling himself up with ease, and disheveling everything, I miss quiet afternoons spent nursing a cuddly newborn.  I miss anxiously awaiting a smile, and the soft expression that always graced Ethan’s face when Aiden fell asleep with his head resting against his father’s chest.

Now that my husband is deployed, I miss the afternoons I took for granted when we snuggled the day away binge watching Criminal Minds.  I smile reminiscing over Saturday’s indulgence of unhealthy but delicious chicken nuggets and French fries that Ethan spent hours preparing and frying without complaint.  I miss watching him twirl our laughing son in the air, even though it occasionally spiked my nerves into mini heart attacks.

And now that we’re expecting our second child, I worry over whether I am ready to be a mom of two.  I struggle already with keeping up on household chores and taking care of our hyper lab, Loki.  And while some days are spent playing outside and splashing water in the bathtub, other days I wonder if I’m doing a good enough job.  I know God will grow my heart, but it’s hard trusting Him to grow my abilities.

It’s easy to remember “the good old days,” stress about the present, worry over the future, and not fully appreciate the now; and it’s often much harder trudging through mundane days with a smile.  And, yes, many have written over the importance of taking time to enjoy the present, but we need to take it a step further.  It’s not just about our own mentality and happiness.

If we don’t choose to seek joy during the daily grind, to find some small kernel of contentment, to brave a smile when we just want to go back to bed- then how will our children ever be able to look back and miss these days?  Don’t wish for the past so tightly or focus on worries months in advance so completely that you forget to create an environment of play, of learning, of support, of friendship, of laughter, of love.

It will be hard some days, and some days we will both fail.  It’s our responsibility to create a safe place for our kids to flourish, but it’s also up to us to create memories with them that are worth keeping.

I hope as my son grows older and reflects on his childhood, he can look back and say, “I miss those days.” I hope that my unborn child will have a plethora of fond memories to reminisce over as an adult.  I pray that the Lord will mold my husband and I to be parents of patience, kindness, humility, humor, and love; and that through His sweet grace, our home will become a happy place of memory and laughter.  A place to be missed.

What things do you do intentionally to reap fond memories for your kids?

What activities are you planning to create “firsts” for your children?

What areas can you improve in while creating your beloved home?

 “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.  Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stays awake in vain.  It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.  Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”

Psalm 127:1-3 (ESV)

Lord, please help us build our homes.

Love,

Rachel

Mom Life: When Your Baby Is A Great Teacher

Taken From TobyMac's Facebook page. 

Last week I thought I would be a cool mom and take my son Aiden on his first intentional play date with other babies near his age or younger (he's 9 months).  He had received shots earlier in the week at his well visit appointment, and the doctor had warned me that he would have a weaker immune system; but it had been a couple of days by the time the play date rolled around, so I thought he was fine.  All thoughts of a weaker immune system, and babies sharing toys and slobber (. . .my kid was the supreme saliva contributor), left my mind.  I was going to get out of the house and hang out with other mommas.  Aiden was going to play with other kids.  (Truthfully, other than a fleeting curious glance, babies are much more interested in their environment and the toys around them than each other.)

Well, that night thoughts of a weaker immune system came back to mind as Aiden fussed and cried every time he woke up, and each time he continued to sound more and more congested.  By the next day, he was rosy cheeked with a constant drip running down his nose and into the drool leaking out of the corners of his mouth.  I tried to wipe his face and clean his nose out regularly, but I do not think I managed it frequently enough.  He recently learned how to shake his head back and forth like we do when saying "no," and I initially thought it was adorable.  I have since learned it's less cute when I am trying to suck out his nose without poking his eye. . . 

 After feeling bad for him and realizing a minor cold like congestion is truly awful for babies, I was in for a bit of a shock when midnight arrived.  Aiden's breathing became very thick and fuzzy. Imagine the voice of Christian Bale playing batman and you'll get a good idea of what I mean.  He kept looking at me as he breathed in and out.  His eyes held a similar confusion as the time he got his first bout of hiccups.  We were still in the hospital and he was only two days old.  He looked so perplexed. This time when he looked at me it felt like he was expecting me to fix it.  And I wasn't sure how. 

I rubbed an all natural ointment for babies on his chest to try and break up the mucus.  (Let me just say right now that Vicks VapoRub is awesome for adults and older children, but should never be applied on babies.  It can have serious negative affects, and everyone should read the warning and instruction labels on the back to use items of medicinal property safely.)  After putting him in a steamy shower with me for a few minutes and then opening a window for the cold air to hit him, he improved a little and we were both able to sleep.  Then 2:30 rolled around and his breathing was sounding even more labored.  I called my mom and asked for advice, and then fell asleep with him on my chest on our couch downstairs.  I wanted to feel him breathing, hear his breathing, and know that he was still breathing.  There was no way I was putting him in his crib.

At 7;30 his breathing became more laborious than ever.  His little chest and tummy pulled in and out so sharply with every breath that I knew he was using all of his strength.  For my Anne of Green Gables lovers, at this point he sounded worse than Diana's little sister.  I was starting to get a bit panicky, and after two more phone calls to close a friend and his pediatric's appointment line, I rushed him to the ER. 

In the twenty minutes it took to get there, his breathing improved slightly due to the cold morning air.

The nurses and doctors were all extremely kind and helpful, and after a steroid shot in his thigh and a 15 minute breathing treatment hooked up to oxygen, we were able to go home.

I have since learned that humidifiers are amazing when babies are congested.  Moist air is easier for them to breathe.  And since I plugged in our essential oil diffuser (works the same as a humidifier), he has yet to have another episode.  Also, 15 minutes is needed to have the optimal affect when using steam from a shower; so I have just been bringing him in the bathroom with me every night while I take a long luxurious and hot shower- guilt free.  I think about the same time frame goes for the cold, though the doctor warned me their breathing can go right back to the way it was after bringing them inside.  (Disclaimer, I am sharing all of this from personal experience, and am not a doctor or medically trained.  Please take all of this information as a momma sharing what worked for her.)

Two days have passed since our ER visit, and my precious baby has been breathing croup free. Though he is still battling a viral respiratory infection and my attempts to alleviate it, his breathing has been normal.  I am so thankful and full of praise that he is recovering quickly.

Babies are resilient.  He has remained his inquisitive self through all of this; never hesitating to crawl toward the pile of folded blankets in the corner so that he may dismantle momma's limited organization in a twisted pile on the floor.  He continues to flirt, smiling and waving and laughing over the smallest things.  Books remain a steadfast favorite of his, and sadly through his exploration and ability to pull himself up he has found there are other books than the ones I give to him.  And the toilet paper I left on the coffee table because I am now congested as well serves as a wonderful opportunity of play and destruction. 

Witnessing him recover has served as an invaluable lesson for me.  It hit me that if I were as willing to move on and choose joy as my ill child does- if I were as resilient as him- my life would be a whole lot better and a whole lot brighter.

"A joyful heart is good medicine,

But a broken spirit dries up the bones."

Proverbs 17:22 NASB

I have with complete awareness let my mental state decline this past week, particularly today.  I have let myself wallow in my emotional and physical exhaustion from worrying and being up most of the night Sunday, from caring for Aiden and now fighting my own respiratory infection, and have used every excuse and reason available to me to justify having multiple Netflix days.  I have moped over missing daddy who is on an extended work trip, and I have chosen to not focus on the joys in my life.

And yes, some days, allowing yourself to rest is the best thing a momma can do. Some days snuggles are really what is most needed anyway.  And there is nothing wrong with missing your spouse or enjoying the occasional Netflix day.  But there comes a time when you need to move forward and stop intentionally dwelling and focusing on the exhaustion.  I am realizing it is equally as important to don a refreshed and positive attitude as it is important to physically rest- otherwise the feeling of needing to rest never ends.

"A time to weep and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn and a time to dance."

Proverbs 3:4 NASB

So here's to my kid, for teaching me to always crawl toward those things that bring joy, to smile despite feeling weak and tired, and to wave with enthusiasm and excitement at everything life has to offer.  I praise the Lord for the healing and strength He lends, and I am so thankful that the biggest blessings and teachers come in small slobbery little packages.  I am also thankful that it doesn't appear that Aiden got anyone else sick other than me, and I am hopeful that our next play date will have a more successful ending.

In the meantime, thank you Aiden for being one of my greatest gifts.  I wouldn't trade the responsibility, challenge, frustration, joy, excitement, wonder, lesson, and blessing that is being your momma for anything.  May you continue to teach me as you inspire and amaze me every day.

What are you're babies and precious children teaching you?

"At that time the disciples came to Jesus and said, 'Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?'  And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, 'Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.  Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.  And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me."

Matthew 18:1-5 NASB

"And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them.  But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, 'Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.  Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.'  And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them"

Mark 10:13-16 NASB

When God isn't Enough of a Reason

Honestly, I am sitting here feeling worn out and stretched thin.  I am exhausted, and have little motivation to write this piece, and a lot of readily available procrastination that says to just skip it for now.  As it is currently 10:05 pm CET, I would rather be buried under covers going to sleep- which is why I have compromised with myself by typing this in bed while wearing my fuzzy penguin pajamas.

I would rather be browsing Facebook, or snuggling my 9 month old son who received his 6 month shots at his well visit earlier today because of my poor planning and paper work skills.  I would rather be doing so many other things than pushing through and writing this difficult piece.  And, ironically, this mood of pushing it off, doing it later, procrastinating, and finding excuses is the exact mindset I am about to discuss and share.

I found myself in a familiar thought pattern the other day.  I had just done something I shouldn't have. I had lost my temper when a project wasn't working the way I had planned, and had responded with getting snippy at my dog, snappy at my baby, with a few loud swear words directed at the project thrown in the mix.  Not my finest moment.  After my tantrum was over and I realized I had not even been in the right mindset to have begun this project (timing really is everything), I thought about how I didn't want to model this attitude for my son.

I do not want him to grow up thinking swear words are OK, or that throwing a tantrum when something is frustrating is an appropriate response.  All of this reminded me I need to change my reactions in order to be a better mom, even if the reaction doesn't directly correlate to my son.

That's when I realized I have thought like this my whole life. It has always been easier for me to address a flaw within myself if doing so helped another person.

I remember being in high school and thinking about what the future might hold- what I hoped it would hold.  I remember thinking my Junior year that part of the reason I wanted to grow closer with Jesus is so that I could be a godly wife someday.  I had been reading through the New Testament and journaling, and I was so proud of my godly potential as a spouse.  (Pretty vain, right?)  And while I was genuinely learning and growing closer with God for myself and Him, I was also doing it for someone else, or rather, something else.  I was doing it for the idea of a future husband.  I yearned to grow closer and be more mature in my faith so that I could be what I considered to be a good helpmate someday.

And once I was married, I continued to yearn to grow in certain areas largely for the benefit of my husband.  Changing myself is always easier if I am doing it for someone I love.

The relationships I have with my family are invaluably important to me.  The bonds I share with my husband and son are everything to me.  They propel me forward and give my days purpose.  They are the reason behind so much of what I do.  But it hit me the other day that if the biggest reason I am willing to confront and change something ugly about myself is for the benefit of my family and the growth of our relationships. . . Then my relationship with my Savior really isn't what it should be.

If God isn't reason enough for me to want to deepen my relationship with Him, then I have put other things before Him.  If His love and forgiveness doesn't propel me to change and grow, then I have undervalued the most important relationship in my life.

I should strive to love Jesus more and spend more time with Him because of the love He has for me. The self-control I continually feel to be lacking should be something I am working on because of my relationship with my Savior- not only because of my son.  

Sadly, not only have I developed this mindset of trying to mature or grow for the sake of people in my life, I have also developed a pretty strong tendency to procrastinate in facing those uglier areas by pushing them off until I have those relationships and people in my life.  I waited to work on certain things until I was a wife, or until I was a mom.

I am realizing more and more that the mindset of fixing myself for other people and other relationships is the root of why I am still struggling with some of the same things I am today as I was five years ago.  I have procrastinated with some of my more ingrained tendencies by saying that I would stop doing those things when I was a wife, or when I was mom, or at some later point in my life.

Unfortunately, this cycle of thinking and living is hard to break.  And the truth is, the sins I don't want to model for my son can only be overcome if I leave them at the foot of the cross.  The growth I want in my relationships with my family can only happen after my relationship with Jesus is central.

The grace I want to live with doesn't come in my own strength; it rests in God's.

The gifts I love and treasure in my life can only flourish if my eye is fixed on the Giver.

Procrastinating instead of facing a present issue, and changing something merely for relationships with other people allow for circular development.  I only improve so much before I am back to where I started.

So, all this time when God hasn't been reason enough, the truth is, He is the only one who will ever be reason enough. 

And if the realness of the people in my life help propel me forward, then I need to pray for my relationship with God to become more real.  I need to pray that He will change my heart.  I need to pray that he will change my attitude.  I need to beg that He will correct my thinking.  Because even though my head knows that His word says that He is more than enough, sometimes my heart is slow to accept it.

Lord, 

When I am worn out and stretched thin, Remind me who You are.  

Please wake me up inside. Please shift my thinking.  

Please forgive my sins and remove my idols.  

Thank you, Lord.  I love you.

Amen. 

"Ascribe to the Lord, O heavenly beings, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.  Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness."  Psalm 29:1-2

To All Those Who Have Shared My Broken Promise

I remember being in middle school, and struggling with a transition of friends.  It wasn’t that my close friends and I had shared a falling out; it was simply that my family had started attending a different church, and I no longer saw the same people as regularly.  Those sweet girls I had confided in, shared giggles with late into the night, and crowded on couches with during youth group were still dear in my heart, but living in different cities, albeit adjacent ones, was the beginning distance that grew into separate lives. 

My mom had told me previously that often times different things last only a season, and that sometimes friendships are that way as well. It’s not that you love the person less, or that you don’t think of them often; it’s that life is winding and recursive, and as it is written out sometimes intersecting paths straighten out in different directions, and sometimes they meet back up again later.  

The first time she told me that friends can last only a season I was crushed.  I was heartbroken.  I stubbornly refused to believe that I would grow up and not still be friends with those I had grown close to and loved.  I thought it would be possible for us all to keep in touch and plan hangouts.  We didn’t.

Then I joined a volleyball team and gained a new group of friends.  And those friends introduced me to their friends until the chasm I thought would be permanent was filled over abundantly.  High school started and still more shifts occurred. Next came the big changes like graduation and college, boyfriends, more time spent working and studying, and as my friends and I pursued our individual interests, my buoyant graph of close, interactive friends dipped a little lower.  On the flip-side, those that remained grew even closer.

A year and a half after graduation, I was married.  Tied the knot to my newest and closest friend.  While everyone wondered at the rapidity, my husband and I marched forward confidently hand in hand.  And just when my close-knit family and friends thought the biggest change had been signed, work contracted my husband and me across the world to live in Europe.

While my husband and I would share an adventure together, we would be saying goodbye to so many other people.  What I once considered a major transition in my childhood world was about to double, triple, quadruple -a thousand times in a new way.  The distance between me and my parents, sister, cousins, bridesmaids, friends, would be continental and ocean deep.  I would not be facing merely the distance of a different city, but of a different country.

And as I saw my friends and family one last time before the flight, as I said goodbyes not knowing when or if I would see them again before I left, my old stubbornness resurfaced.   I told them I would write.  We would plan Skype dates.  I would send emails.  We would remain as close as before.  I promised to keep in touch.  I promised that though the change seemed daunting, these friendships that had already lasted five or six years would continue to grow and flourish despite this newest transition.

While our correspondence was decent at the beginning, another year and half has passed.  My husband and I have been married for two years now and are currently raising a nine month old.  Life has continued to twist and change, to blossom and flourish in different directions.  My friends are taking internships, graduating college, planning mission’s trips, studying abroad, getting engaged, and marrying.  New friends are having babies, raising eight-year-old's, and running day cares.  I am chasing a dog and wrestling and independent first born.  And it’s hitting me.

I’m finally realizing there is a reason correspondence is a fourteen letter word.  It is a lengthy task and weighty responsibility.  It sounds easy in a promise and proves difficult in action.  It’s a door that swings both ways but can be heavy to push.  Far too often, it becomes a torn page in a once cherished book.  Aspects of the friendship begin missing, but the spine- those memories creased in our hearts- tenaciously hold parts together.  Sometimes, a friendship that I thought would go on in volumes is only turning out to be a short story, and that’s OK. 

Spring, summer, fall, and winter all serve a purpose of renewal and growth for the earth.  I think that though it saddens us, we need to remember that friendships that last only a season still have meaning and value.  Keeping in touch is not a strength of mine.  Attempting to stay in the loop with everyone is an impossible task that allows for no progression with where we are at now.  We all have new priorities, goals, responsibilities, and relationships.  For me, my husband and son will always take precedence.

So for those of you who are missing more than one page. . .  I am sorry my promise grew empty.  I am sorry it seems or feels as if our friendship was only a season, but I am thankful for the impact you have had on my life.  I am blessed with the memories we did get to make.  I am ready and willing to plan the occasional Skype date, to write a quick message, or plan a lengthy chat.  But I am not going to promise consistency.  I am not going to promise that we will remain as close as if we lived next door to each other.  What I will say is that my heart will always have a place for you.  Perhaps someday this season too will be over, and our paths will intersect once more.

Thoughts over Time

Fall is coming to a close.

Thanksgiving is past; November is ending.

My reflection flows,

Over a year gone so fast, yet I remember the beginning.

A round belly with a baby on the way,

In wondrous anticipation I yearned for his arrival,

How dreary and slow felt many a day,

And then sunshine burst and along came April.

My child along with indescribable joy were born,

My thoughts were full of thankfulness and contentment,

Yet time slips by, and stress sometimes my heart adorned.

My thoughts cycling through worry and joy over learning a new element. 

As the months passed, exhaustion dimmed my patience.

Like a stagnant lake my heart often became frozen,

 For I did some things well but also was deficient;

My mind frequently dwelling on my failure, forgetting Your provision. 

My trust in you, Lord, daily gets encapsulated in fear,

Yet Your blessings remain steadfast,

Even in my forlorn ruminating You remain near.

Forgive my compulsive negative thinking; may it not last. 

For Your gifts far outweigh daily tasks,

Help me remember your faithfulness when I feel overwhelmed.

For a  year's blessings strip off the troublesome mask

That hides the fact that You, Lord, are always at the helm. 

Fall may be ceasing with winter's approach,

The plants may be withering, trees ready to hibernate.

But may my faith in You not just broach, 

A deeper trust and way to relate,

But remain ever growing,

Not taking two steps forward, one step back,

Not growing cold, filled with re-learning

The same lessons every new season.  Instead keep me on track;

That I may be a better wife and mother,

No longer self-discipline and balance a struggle,

But transfixed on You, praising my Father,

With every new curve, every new juggle. 

May I bounce my boy on my knee,

Cook dinner on the stove and pay the bills,

Remembering Your lead

As the sun graces the windowsills.

A year will soon conclude,

So much has changed; all the better,

Through all of my changing moods,

May Your plan for my life remain unhindered, unfettered. 

December about to commence,

A crawling boy and loving husband by my side,

Two wondrous friends, blessings immense,

A near year dawning, with Your help I will be ready for the ride.

Forever Dreaming Writing: About the Name and Author

As most of my writing deals with issues, beliefs, or lessons close to my heart (even when presented fictionally through my imaginary friends and main characters), I thought the name for this blog should hold a tender meaning as well.

Forever Dreaming kind of sounds like a silly catchphrase or school slogan, but for me, it is a reminder to not give up; to keep pressing on with the goals that seem most impossible. 

I have strong first born tendencies; mingled with acute compunction whenever my comparison falls short of perfection.  In 2013, after graduating high school, I struggled to keep dreaming after failure.

In some respects, my growing up and relishing in a happy childhood allowed my outlook to flavor from a kernel of naivety into a full kettle of ignorance.  I did not understand how much of the world operates.

Christ reigned in my heart at an early age, and I was blessed with a loving and supportive family.  My pride has always disliked how people say that your faith isn't necessarily going to stick around until you are a young adult: when you decide if it's yours or your parents'.  As a stubborn kid who fully believed in Jesus, I knew mine was going to stick.  

However, right out of high school I smacked into one of those trials that only Jesus can save you from, and I didn't want to let Him save me.  I had my own ideas, fictitious ideas really, of what my life would be like and how it was going to get there.

That's when reality shattered my dream.  That's when someone else's lies filled my own head until I started to share them myself. It took awhile, but after friends and family provided what was then the brutal honesty I needed, I said goodbye to the who and the what of my pain.  I thought I had lost my whole future.  Having messed up worse than ever before, I thought I did not deserve to move forward, and so I plummeted for awhile.  But truth has a way of washing out deception. 

Sometimes it's rough like a kitchen scratch pad on a smoldered pan, and it hurts and takes work to scrub off all the dirt, but eventually that scratch pad changes into a wash cloth.  And that same loving hand who began with a scratch pad can use the cloth to gently massage roughened edges; smooth out both the deeper and surface areas of the pan until it shines once again.  

Little by little, I moved past my mistake. I chose to follow after God, and am learning in order to do that I need to grip the reigns a little less tightly, and trust in the plan He has for me.

After renewing my decision to follow after Jesus, peace entered my heart; but I struggled to believe that I would ever have the future I wanted.  I battled with this every day.  That's when God started teaching me about a little four letter word with life changing capabilities: hope (Hebrews 6:17-20), and how His forgiveness can shape our hope:

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, 

slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. 

He will not always chide, 

nor will he keep his anger forever.

He does not deal with us according to our sins,

nor repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west, 

so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

As a father shows compassion to his children,

so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him."

Psalm 103:8-13 

(ESV)

Those verses, along with many others, became my comfort.  As a child I had always loved Jeremiah 29:11, but the verses immediately following began to hold greater weight. (Read here)   A mere two weeks transpired, and God showed me that when you seek Him first, His promise that He'll provide for you (Matthew 6: 30-33) does come through; though I believe it is often not in the way we or the people around us expect.

I met my now husband, Ethan, and, despite how cliché this sounds, he is more than I could have ever imagined.  Our life together has flourished, and I am now a mother to a precious baby boy.  I feel so blessed to parent him alongside my best friend.  Planted by streams of water (Psalm 1), my life with Ethan has had the ability to deepen and take root in ways I could have never dreamed.

More than anything, I have learned and am still learning that when I am at my lowest, God is always at His best.  I can trust Him to turn my ashes, my broken repentance, into something beautiful.  I can keep on dreaming.  And I'll do my best to remind myself that I can grasp hold of my dreams more firmly when I leave them in His hands.  I can aspire to be a Proverbs 31 wife and mom, a faithful friend and listener, a freelance or contracted writer. . . I can let go of my ideas of perfection, and trust in His attainable peace.  I can trust God with all of my story, and maybe, just maybe, the other stories and dreams written on my heart and scribbling away in my spaghetti brain can help someone else.  Help someone else remember that when they are at their lowest, God is still there and He still cares.  

No matter what our past or present struggles are, our future always has worth in God's eyes.

So if I can trust God with my eternity, my forever, then I can trust Him with my earthly aspirations, my failures, and everything in the middle.

Job 42: 1-6

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

"Then Job answered the Lord and said:

 2 'I know that you can do all things, 

and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

3 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'

Therefore I have uttered what I do not understand,

things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.

4 'Hear and I will speak;

I will question you, and you make it known to me.'

5 I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, 

but now my eyes see you;

therefore I despise myself,

and repent in dust and ashes."

Proverbs 16:1-3 (NASB)

"The plans of the heart belong to man,

but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.

2 All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes,

but the Lord weighs the spirit.

3 Commit your work to the Lord,
And your plans will be established."


Please join with me in forever keeping our dreams alive.  

Thank you for reading!